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Tell Me a Funny

My Favorite Animal




Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."




She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.




My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.




I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of RSPCA




He said they love animals very much.




I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.




I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.




The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.




I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.




She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.




I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.




Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.




I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
 

<tt>A man passed out
on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With
his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor
prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative,
and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?' The Doctor replied, 'It won't do
anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his
legs.'</tt>
 
For all my retired friends.


A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"?

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity."1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded,"Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."(ref “black opâ€￾ – ed)

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the license agency and wear my Border Patrol hat,and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
 
68hskr said:
My Favorite Animal




Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."




She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.




My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.




I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of RSPCA




He said they love animals very much.




I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.




I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.




The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.




I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.




She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.




I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.




Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.




I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Click to expand...

:thumbsup:
 


What did the blonde say when they asked her, what are the last two words in the National Anthem?







PLAY BALL! :happyrun:
 
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A man and his wife are in the bedroom getting ready for a night out on the town. The wife looks at herself in the mirror and exclaims “I’m getting so old. I just hate what I see in the mirror. I have wrinkles on my face. Bags under my eyes. Everything is drooping. I’m overweight. My hair is grey. I just feel awful about myself. Please say something positive about me to make me feel better.”

The husband looks at her for a minute and then replies “Well…. Your eyesight is dang near perfect.”

And that’s when the fight started.
 
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
 
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly

the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,

'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride

over anytime I want.'


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous

challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
reaching

the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things.



Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly

help man kind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand



women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she



gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,



why she snaps and complains when I try to help. How I can make

a woman truly happy.


God replied: "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? "
 



Russian Military Academy
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy.

At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked..

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 140 million, compared to the 1.3 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive ?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"
 
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
 
ThotDoc said:
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Click to expand...


LMAOROTF!!! Awesome, TD!! :bow:
 


I still can't stop laughing!!



If Airlines Sold Paint


IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

:rolfl:
 


Oh, Lord, I just read it again, and I'm about to wet my pants!! :rolfl:
 
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[FONT=&quot]The day finally arrived. Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]gates are closed, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]St. Peter said, 'Well, Forest, it is certainly good to see you. We[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]get into Heaven.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Forest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]questions.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]First:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What two days of[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The week begin with the letter T?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Second:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How many seconds are there in a year?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Third:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What is God's first name?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Forest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]begins with the letter 'T'?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forest, that is not[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]what I was thinking , but you do have a point, and I guess I did not[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]one?' asked St. Peter.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]How many seconds in a year?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now that one is harder,' replied Forest, 'but I thunk and thunk about[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forest, how in Heaven's[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Forest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]January 2nd[/FONT][FONT=&quot], February 2nd, March 2nd... '[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind .....but[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]third and final question.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Can you tell me[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]God's first name'?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Sure,' Forest replied, it's Andy. '[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]name of God?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You are going to love this ...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Forest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ANDY WALKS WITH ME,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ANDY TALKS WITH ME,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forest, run.'[/FONT]
 

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