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Thread: I need good clean

  1. #1
    Society Crazy Indeed
    Pops's Avatar
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    I need good clean

    Jokes. I am speaking at the Texas Behavioral Institute conference next week and I need good material...jokes.

    Thanks in advance...I think


    I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children.

  2. #2
    Intellectual Patriot
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    the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor. Looks at the guy behind the counter and says "Can you make me one with everything?"
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

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  3. #3
    Intellectual Patriot
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    I think I told this one to you already but here goes.

    You know what the difference is between an alcoholic and an addict? An alcoholic will steal from you and you wont see them for months. An addict will steal from you and help you look for the stuff they stole.
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

    I love fan mail.

  4. #4
    Intellectual Patriot
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    What do you call an Al-Anon relapse? A moment of compassion.
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

    I love fan mail.

  5. #5
    Intellectual Patriot
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    How can you tell when a schizophrenic is moving?

    Because for weeks you can hear him arguing with himself over how the utilities are going to be split up.
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

    I love fan mail.

  6. #6
    Society Crazy Indeed
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    Nice...like em


    I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children.

  7. #7
    A purple grape and a green grape are sitting together in a bowl. The green grape looks over at the purple grape and says, "dude...BREATHE!!!!!"

    "Always be ready to make your defense to anyone who demands from you an accounting for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and reverence." 1 Peter 3:15-16 (NRSV)

  8. #8
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    Have somebody hand you a note while you are at the podium. Read it, then say to the crowd. I just got this note to pass on. If Mr. and Mrs. Smith are here, your babysitter just called and wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher.
    (old Gaelic saying) Chan eil h-uile facal sireadh freagairt. Not every question requires an answer.

  9. #9
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    Walk in wearing a pair of outlandish sunglasses. Apologize for them, and say they are your special glasses that protect you from psychiatrists super powers.
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

    I love fan mail.

  10. #10
    Society Crazy Indeed
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyBraska View Post
    Have somebody hand you a note while you are at the podium. Read it, then say to the crowd. I just got this note to pass on. If Mr. and Mrs. Smith are here, your babysitter just called and wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher.

    isnt that like calling out fire in a theater


    I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children.

  11. #11
    Society Crazy Indeed
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    Quote Originally Posted by Squatchsker View Post
    Walk in wearing a pair of outlandish sunglasses. Apologize for them, and say they are your special glasses that protect you from psychiatrists super powers.

    that just might work because thats who I'll be talking to


    I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children.

  12. #12
    Intellectual Patriot
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pops View Post
    that just might work because thats who I'll be talking to

    I was trying to tailor to the "who" you are talking to. Either that or walk out and throw a handful of Pez at the crowd, then tell them to figure out which is candy and which is Viagra
    Life Lesson: DO NOT LET THE MAN KEEP YOU DOWN! http://forum.huskermax.com/vbbs/show...er-King-Jr-Day
    "Yeah, saw that only Larry, Moe, and Curly had chimed-in before the thread was locked. C'est la vie when the cumulative IQ of those 3 shxxxeads is something less than 200, with Squatch nailing down 3rd place. Almost not worth the keystroke time expended reporting those twits, however..."

    I love fan mail.

  13. #13
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    Just cause its Texas

    The young Texas rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

    The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



    Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. - Barry Switzer

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    ; its harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

  14. #14
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    You know how you can tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? An accountant actually has a personality.

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    How can you tell if a psychiatrist is sitting level in a chair? Drool will be coming out of both sides of his mouth.
    (old Gaelic saying) Chan eil h-uile facal sireadh freagairt. Not every question requires an answer.

  16. #16
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    "A few moments ago I was leaving the restroom, where someone commented to me, 'Aren't you going to wash your hands? In Texas we are taught to always wash our hands after going to the bathroom.'

    I replied, 'Well, in Nebraska we are taught not to piss on our hands.'"
    Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.



  17. #17
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    Keep em coming folks all good!


    I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children.

  18. #18
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  19. #19
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    Cleaning mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.


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