I need good clean

[Pops]

Jokes. I am speaking at the Texas Behavioral Institute conference next week and I need good material...jokes.

Thanks in advance...I think

[Squatchsker]

the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor. Looks at the guy behind the counter and says "Can you make me one with everything?"

[Squatchsker]

I think I told this one to you already but here goes.

You know what the difference is between an alcoholic and an addict? An alcoholic will steal from you and you wont see them for months. An addict will steal from you and help you look for the stuff they stole.

[Squatchsker]

What do you call an Al-Anon relapse? A moment of compassion.

[Squatchsker]

How can you tell when a schizophrenic is moving?

Because for weeks you can hear him arguing with himself over how the utilities are going to be split up.

[Pops]

Nice...like em

[LutheranHusker]

A purple grape and a green grape are sitting together in a bowl. The green grape looks over at the purple grape and says, "dude...BREATHE!!!!!"

[MyBraska]

Have somebody hand you a note while you are at the podium. Read it, then say to the crowd. I just got this note to pass on. If Mr. and Mrs. Smith are here, your babysitter just called and wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher.

[Squatchsker]

Walk in wearing a pair of outlandish sunglasses. Apologize for them, and say they are your special glasses that protect you from psychiatrists super powers.

[Pops]

Have somebody hand you a note while you are at the podium. Read it, then say to the crowd. I just got this note to pass on. If Mr. and Mrs. Smith are here, your babysitter just called and wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher.

isnt that like calling out fire in a theater

[Pops]

Walk in wearing a pair of outlandish sunglasses. Apologize for them, and say they are your special glasses that protect you from psychiatrists super powers.

that just might work because thats who I'll be talking to

[Squatchsker]

that just might work because thats who I'll be talking to

I was trying to tailor to the "who" you are talking to. Either that or walk out and throw a handful of Pez at the crowd, then tell them to figure out which is candy and which is Viagra

[CornfieldCounty]

Just cause its Texas

The young Texas rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

[BulletForMyHuskers]

You know how you can tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? An accountant actually has a personality.

[MyBraska]

How can you tell if a psychiatrist is sitting level in a chair? Drool will be coming out of both sides of his mouth.

[Red Dead Redemption]

"A few moments ago I was leaving the restroom, where someone commented to me, 'Aren't you going to wash your hands? In Texas we are taught to always wash our hands after going to the bathroom.'

I replied, 'Well, in Nebraska we are taught not to piss on our hands.'"

[Pops]

Keep em coming folks all good!

[Husker in Spokane]

The old "N" on the helmet is always crowd pleaser!

[Cardinal]

Do you know the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Kids don't like broccoli.

[Nishioka]

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.