To make a long story short, I spent a couple of years working in England, coming back in 2009. Late in 2010 I got a letter from Her Majesty's Revenue & Custom (i.e. British version of IRS), stating that I owed ~$30,000 in taxes . Considering I hadn't lived in the UK that year, and had zero British income, I was more than a little miffed. I called them, and they proceeded to clean out most of my UK bank account, threaten to invoke international treaties and sick the US feds on me.
Eventually they realized they made a colossal screw-up, and refunded the confiscated funds, and vowed I wouldn't have to deal with UK taxes again. THEN, yesterday I get a letter in the mail from HMRC stating that I've been fined 100 pounds for not submitting my 2011 UK tax return. So, I decided to have a little fun and send them a letter, which is now on it's way to England. Here it is:
My Dearest British Bureaucrat:
Ah, I had a lovely time whilst living in the UK. The people, the scenery, the beer were all exquisite. But, we both knew that this wouldn’t last forever. A time would come when I would move on, and return to my colonial roots in America. Our severance in 2009 was heartrending, and I know you felt as deeply sorrowed as I when the separation came. Thus, I understood when you sent a preposterous bill for back taxes in 2010. We both knew that it wasn’t feasible that I would owe you 18000 UKP. But we both knew it wasn’t about taxes. In your wistful remembrances for our golden time together, you were seeking a way to reconnect, and try and find that happiness we shared before. Again, this year you have sent me another letter, this time claiming a 100 UKP penalty for not filing taxes for 2010/2011. You sly devil, you! My heart was all aflutter when I received your letter. Old memories came rushing to the fore, and suddenly I was in the warm embrace of your bureaucracy.
But we both know this isn’t healthy. I have moved on. You will never be able to find the happiness that you so richly deserve until you do the same. Previously, I had sent my P85 completion of assignment form, but apparently it may not have been filed. Again, I understand. The wound was too fresh, the timing too soon to come to grips with this form. But now, it is time we try again. Enclosed you will find five copies of my P85, freshly signed and dated.
Please, let’s move on. It will be hard, but we must keep a stiff upper lip. I wish you every happiness in the future.
Your most humble servant,
God Save the Queen,