Fun with the UK tax authority-Updated!

[Red Crawdad]

To make a long story short, I spent a couple of years working in England, coming back in 2009. Late in 2010 I got a letter from Her Majesty's Revenue & Custom (i.e. British version of IRS), stating that I owed ~$30,000 in taxes . Considering I hadn't lived in the UK that year, and had zero British income, I was more than a little miffed. I called them, and they proceeded to clean out most of my UK bank account, threaten to invoke international treaties and sick the US feds on me.

Eventually they realized they made a colossal screw-up, and refunded the confiscated funds, and vowed I wouldn't have to deal with UK taxes again. THEN, yesterday I get a letter in the mail from HMRC stating that I've been fined 100 pounds for not submitting my 2011 UK tax return. So, I decided to have a little fun and send them a letter, which is now on it's way to England. Here it is:

My Dearest British Bureaucrat:

Ah, I had a lovely time whilst living in the UK. The people, the scenery, the beer were all exquisite. But, we both knew that this wouldn’t last forever. A time would come when I would move on, and return to my colonial roots in America. Our severance in 2009 was heartrending, and I know you felt as deeply sorrowed as I when the separation came. Thus, I understood when you sent a preposterous bill for back taxes in 2010. We both knew that it wasn’t feasible that I would owe you 18000 UKP. But we both knew it wasn’t about taxes. In your wistful remembrances for our golden time together, you were seeking a way to reconnect, and try and find that happiness we shared before. Again, this year you have sent me another letter, this time claiming a 100 UKP penalty for not filing taxes for 2010/2011. You sly devil, you! My heart was all aflutter when I received your letter. Old memories came rushing to the fore, and suddenly I was in the warm embrace of your bureaucracy.

But we both know this isn’t healthy. I have moved on. You will never be able to find the happiness that you so richly deserve until you do the same. Previously, I had sent my P85 completion of assignment form, but apparently it may not have been filed. Again, I understand. The wound was too fresh, the timing too soon to come to grips with this form. But now, it is time we try again. Enclosed you will find five copies of my P85, freshly signed and dated.

Please, let’s move on. It will be hard, but we must keep a stiff upper lip. I wish you every happiness in the future.

Cheers,

Your most humble servant,

God Save the Queen,

xxxxxxx

[Warhorse]

To make a long story short, I spent a couple of years working in England, coming back in 2009. Late in 2010 I got a letter from Her Majesty's Revenue & Custom (i.e. British version of IRS), stating that I owed ~$30,000 in taxes . Considering I hadn't lived in the UK that year, and had zero British income, I was more than a little miffed. I called them, and they proceeded to clean out most of my UK bank account, threaten to invoke international treaties and sick the US feds on me.

Eventually they realized they made a colossal screw-up, and refunded the confiscated funds, and vowed I wouldn't have to deal with UK taxes again. THEN, yesterday I get a letter in the mail from HMRC stating that I've been fined 100 pounds for not submitting my 2011 UK tax return. So, I decided to have a little fun and send them a letter, which is now on it's way to England. Here it is:

My Dearest British Bureaucrat:

Ah, I had a lovely time whilst living in the UK. The people, the scenery, the beer were all exquisite. But, we both knew that this wouldn’t last forever. A time would come when I would move on, and return to my colonial roots in America. Our severance in 2009 was heartrending, and I know you felt as deeply sorrowed as I when the separation came. Thus, I understood when you sent a preposterous bill for back taxes in 2010. We both knew that it wasn’t feasible that I would owe you 18000 UKP. But we both knew it wasn’t about taxes. In your wistful remembrances for our golden time together, you were seeking a way to reconnect, and try and find that happiness we shared before. Again, this year you have sent me another letter, this time claiming a 100 UKP penalty for not filing taxes for 2010/2011. You sly devil, you! My heart was all aflutter when I received your letter. Old memories came rushing to the fore, and suddenly I was in the warm embrace of your bureaucracy.

But we both know this isn’t healthy. I have moved on. You will never be able to find the happiness that you so richly deserve until you do the same. Previously, I had sent my P85 completion of assignment form, but apparently it may not have been filed. Again, I understand. The wound was too fresh, the timing too soon to come to grips with this form. But now, it is time we try again. Enclosed you will find five copies of my P85, freshly signed and dated.

Please, let’s move on. It will be hard, but we must keep a stiff upper lip. I wish you every happiness in the future.

Cheers,

Your most humble servant,

God Save the Queen,

xxxxxxx

Really want to get back at them? Sic Limbaugh on her majesty..the American bulldog vs the Queen's corgis.

[RedPhoenix]

You should have reminded them what happened the last time they tried to unfairly tax American citizens.

[BasilLongfellow]

You should have reminded them what happened the last time they tried to unfairly tax American citizens.

Damn. Beat me to it. You should dump some tea in a lake.

[Red_in_Blue_Land]

Send then a happy Independence day card.

[MilesBFree]

Remind them that there is a reason that Jaguar and Land Rover are both owned by another former colony, India. And that Rolls Royce, Bentley, and Mini are owned by the Germans. And Lotus by the Malaysians. And Austin by the Chinese. The tax ********** is a symptom of why that state of affairs exists...

If it weren't for David Richards (Aston Martin) and Ron Dennis (McLaren), they would be 0 for 10.

[Red Crawdad]

You should have reminded them what happened the last time they tried to unfairly tax American citizens.

This is most definitely Taxation Without Representation! That being so, how do we check shipping ledgers for ships carrying Earl Grey?

[Red Crawdad]

I'm really interested in seeing if I get a reply to my letter. British bureaucrats are not known for their senses of humor.

[MilesBFree]

This is most definitely Taxation Without Representation! That being so, how do we check shipping ledgers for ships carrying Earl Grey?

We should board and take Kate Beckinsale instead.

I'm really interested in seeing if I get a reply to my letter. British bureaucrats are not known for their senses of humor.

Except at the Ministry of Silly Walks.

I hope this works out for you.

We had a similar situation when we moved from Chicago to South Carolina a few years back - Illinois kept trying to get their (mistaken) pound of flesh for almost 5 years after we moved away. Every time we would photo copy the records and supporting paperwork and fax it to them. A few weeks later we would get a letter stating that we were cool. Then a year later it would start all over.

[FLA4NEB]

To make a long story short, I spent a couple of years working in England, coming back in 2009. Late in 2010 I got a letter from Her Majesty's Revenue & Custom (i.e. British version of IRS), stating that I owed ~$30,000 in taxes . Considering I hadn't lived in the UK that year, and had zero British income, I was more than a little miffed. I called them, and they proceeded to clean out most of my UK bank account, threaten to invoke international treaties and sick the US feds on me.

Eventually they realized they made a colossal screw-up, and refunded the confiscated funds, and vowed I wouldn't have to deal with UK taxes again. THEN, yesterday I get a letter in the mail from HMRC stating that I've been fined 100 pounds for not submitting my 2011 UK tax return. So, I decided to have a little fun and send them a letter, which is now on it's way to England. Here it is:

My Dearest British Bureaucrat:

Ah, I had a lovely time whilst living in the UK. The people, the scenery, the beer were all exquisite. But, we both knew that this wouldn’t last forever. A time would come when I would move on, and return to my colonial roots in America. Our severance in 2009 was heartrending, and I know you felt as deeply sorrowed as I when the separation came. Thus, I understood when you sent a preposterous bill for back taxes in 2010. We both knew that it wasn’t feasible that I would owe you 18000 UKP. But we both knew it wasn’t about taxes. In your wistful remembrances for our golden time together, you were seeking a way to reconnect, and try and find that happiness we shared before. Again, this year you have sent me another letter, this time claiming a 100 UKP penalty for not filing taxes for 2010/2011. You sly devil, you! My heart was all aflutter when I received your letter. Old memories came rushing to the fore, and suddenly I was in the warm embrace of your bureaucracy.

But we both know this isn’t healthy. I have moved on. You will never be able to find the happiness that you so richly deserve until you do the same. Previously, I had sent my P85 completion of assignment form, but apparently it may not have been filed. Again, I understand. The wound was too fresh, the timing too soon to come to grips with this form. But now, it is time we try again. Enclosed you will find five copies of my P85, freshly signed and dated.

Please, let’s move on. It will be hard, but we must keep a stiff upper lip. I wish you every happiness in the future.

Cheers,

Your most humble servant,

God Save the Queen,

xxxxxxx

Well done sir.

[huskernut]

I'm really interested in seeing if I get a reply to my letter. British bureaucrats are not known for their senses of humor.

Unlike American bureaucrats, who are.

[Red Crawdad]

I'm really interested in seeing if I get a reply to my letter. British bureaucrats are not known for their senses of humor.

I just received a letter today in response to the one I sent. I can now say that at least one British bureaucrat has an outstanding sense of humor. Here's the text:

Dear Mr xxxxxxx (my favourite American taxpayer)

Thank you so much for your letter, received on 30 March 2012. Although you have moved on I still miss our previous regular contact. I now know that I cannot drag this out any further (although I must point out that the original bill for 18000 UKP was based on figures that you provided).

I enclose a copy of your up-to-date statement of account, and I regret that I will have no excuse to send you any more Tax Returns as your record has been made dormant. In the circumstances, a clean break is best. I hope that you will find happiness with your new beaurocracy, but do not forget the good times that we had together.

I will think of you next time I have a drink of (exquisite) beer.

Yours sincerely,

Stella K----
Administrative Officer

[Nishioka]

I just received a letter today in response to the one I sent. I can now say that at least one British bureaucrat has an outstanding sense of humor. Here's the text:

Dear Mr xxxxxxx (my favourite American taxpayer)

Thank you so much for your letter, received on 30 March 2012. Although you have moved on I still miss our previous regular contact. I now know that I cannot drag this out any further (although I must point out that the original bill for 18000 UKP was based on figures that you provided).

I enclose a copy of your up-to-date statement of account, and I regret that I will have no excuse to send you any more Tax Returns as your record has been made dormant. In the circumstances, a clean break is best. I hope that you will find happiness with your new beaurocracy, but do not forget the good times that we had together.

I will think of you next time I have a drink of (exquisite) beer.

Yours sincerely,

Stella K----
Administrative Officer

Hats off to Stella... that's pretty funny

[cm husker]

That's worth some forwards. Very well done.

I spent most of the last year working in London. Mind if I send a copy to some expats who would love and appreciate it?

[Red Crawdad]

That's worth some forwards. Very well done.

I spent most of the last year working in London. Mind if I send a copy to some expats who would love and appreciate it?

No problem. I am absolutely dumbfounded that I got a response. I think tomorrow I may draft a reply...